Today’s subject matter is on a more serious note so buckle up.
I recently returned from a mission/service trip to Jacksonville, FL last week for spring break and there for the first time since before starting college I really had some real 1 on 1 time with God. More than just prayer, really just take serious time to be in his presence and ask him to reveal himself to me. One morning midweek during the trip I was pretty worn and just fed up with the things he was revealing in my heart and I just couldn’t formulate a prayer. I was overcome with frustration at my failure to even talk to my God, then I just threw my hands up (figuratively speaking) looked up at the sky and asked him to show himself to me however that might be-I was just in a place where I really needed to know he was there and I wasn’t alone. I can’t say any individual event that happened that day or after but I saw and felt a real difference in my heart growing from that point on, and things just sort of began to fall into place and I just can’t describe it but I felt his presence there. He taught me a lot last week about himself and about things I’d already thought I’d understood, like the entire idea of being saved by Grace. I’d thought I’d had that concept down, you know, Jesus died on the cross to save us from our sins and allow us to join him in heaven. WELL, yes. But how did I fool myself in to taking it just at that? I was still praying like an eraser-I don’t think I really grasped that he’d not just died so that we could be forgiven but that we are ALREADY forgiven. I still struggle with that idea that really once we accept that fact we don’t have to keep going back and ask God for forgiveness for every new thing we mess up. He has already done away with it. BUT that doesn’t mean confession of sins to God is not important, it is a way for us to be ‘on the same page’ with God, to see and admit to ourselves that we screwed up and that we need his Grace all over again. Hence, it’s more for our sake we even admit our mistakes. Frankly, the whole dwelling on being saved and the whole amazingness of it all makes me tired and even a little bored when being told it over and over. Shows I really wasn’t getting that this Gift has so many faces and it’s not a flat matter. It’s so puzzling WHY would God do this? I really don’t know, except for what we are told in the Bible-because he loves us, he is the creator of all things good and love is the crown of it all. Love isn’t a flat idea either-it’s irrational and often not justifiable. Which is why it’s Beautiful!! We as humans have this inner sense of right and wrong, and following wrong needs to be corrected, hence we are very into the idea of Justice. Makes sense, there is a natural Justice around us in nature and how things flow. Love is an outlier, it is unnatural because it doesn’t ‘make sense’ or is not justified. It is not a natural instinct to immediately reach out in kindness and care to the person who just slaughtered your only child. Much less love them expressively and uncontrollably. That is why we’ve developed so many weak definitions for it-basing it on a ‘feeling good’ thing centered on how WE FEEL. If love were just enjoying and feeling good about someone else it wouldn’t be strong enough to overcome justice because overcoming justice is overcoming ‘bad/angry/hurt/wrongdoing’ feelings. God invented this love and has saved his creation by it. He has given his children the Gift to be with him for eternity-to be fully alive and appreciate the beauty and wonder at being created by God and in his image-that he actually DELIGHTS in us. To sum this thought up, the more I find out and actually feel I grasp the more I realize I can’t fathom.
“Jesus is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them.”-Hebrews 7:25
“When stars are hiding in the clouds and I don’t feel them shining. When I can’t see beyond my doubt the silver lining. When I’ve almost reached the end like a flood You’re rushing in, Love is rushing in.
Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with Me.
I can’t deny, oh I can’t deny that You are right here with me, you’ve opened my eyes so I can see You all around me.”-Light Up the Sky, The Afters